Well the silly season is upon us-I don’t know why I named this post like I did other than I think its a composite of an early rolling Stones album and an Iron Maiden song. The ‘Icy’ is thrown in there to emphasize the fact that it is the time of glad tidings -Christmas.
Thoughts about Xmass:
Even though JC was supposedly born in a manger in April this is the time of year to celebrate the immaculate conception. It lines up nicely with the pagan celebration of the winter solstice which was the precursor to Christmas. I believe it was called Saturnalia and since it lined up with the shortest day of the year it celebrated the birth of the sun and the pagan Sun god-Saturn. In ancient Rome what could begin as a kiss under the mistletoe would end up in a huge drunken orgy. It was usually several days of drunkenness and merry making.
Back to the twentieth century…. In this country quite a few people are drunk on Christmas and maybe in a very small percentage; a minute percentage of households, there are actual orgies. In certain rural areas these orgies might be like a very twisted version of the award winning 70’s sit com, All in the Family, maybe starring Ron Jeremy and Traci Lords, but Archie’s doing it with more people and family members than just Edith. A minor being involved would be highly appropriate… Meathead might be banging Edith and Archie and some jail bait. Before she started making her sponsor a child commercials, I actually harbored adolescent fantasies about banging Sally Struthers. She had really nice 70’s breasts and I would like three is company with both her and Suzanne Sommers. (God I’m a dirty old man tonight.. )Jack Nicholson bangs the hell out of her in 5 Easy Pieces and it looks so realistic that you think they practiced the scene quite a bit.
You never know-on the macro level,for the most part, sex is kept under wraps in modern society. This will magnify exponentially if the Mormons start running the White House (the Apocalypse?) Sexual aversions are still the hangover from the Victorian Era which is still not that far removed from our lives. All the hard wear in the building I live in is from that era and that’s probably why my key almost broke off in my Victorian lock after I came home a little buzzed the other night.
Along stream of consciousness lines here’s a great Kinks song about that era called, most appropriately, Victoria:
Victoria by Ray Davies of the Kinks
Long ago life was clean
Sex was bad and obscene
And the rich were so mean
Stately homes for the Lords
Croquet lawns, village greens
Victoria was my queen
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, ‘toria
I was born, lucky me
In a land that I love
Though I am poor, I am free
When I grow I shall fight
For this land I shall die
Let her sun never set
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, ‘toria
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, toria
Land of hope and gloria
Land of my Victoria
Land of hope and gloria
Land of my Victoria
Victoria, ‘toria
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, ‘toria
Canada to India
Australia to Cornwall
Singapore to Hong Kong
From the West to the East
From the rich to the poor
Victoria loved them all
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria, ‘toria
Victoria, Victoria, Victoria
Even though the Victorian age is over, all around me there are reminders of that era because Denver grew up in the Victorian years and became a city. Most of the houses in my neighborhood were built when England was still an empire and there were still ‘Injuns in the hills. That’s a different topic, away from Icy Victoria and back to Christmas orgies and paganism….
After the Christians took over Rome during a series of slave revolts, Christmas became the new holiday in Rome. And no, the Pope wasn’t allowed to disrobe and jump sister Mary and Father Mackenzie. Christianity put a nice clean, new spin on things and now we have the twelve days of Christmas celebrating the birth of the baby Jesus. It’s all about a baby that was born to a sexless marriage. These days that would be something for Doctor Phil to take on,(was Mary really a virgin {you can read books like the Da Vinci code or Holy Grail if you want to take on this blasphemous topic}).
Any way, immaculate conceptions aside, at this moment, I think the first one or two days of Christmas have gone by-I’m not sure when it starts-I just have to keep the annoying jingle from getting stuck in my head. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, A partridge in a pear tree…..
I think every one will keep their clothes on for the eggnog in the neighborhood I am going to for Christmas, although they may Carol the annoying Twelve Days of Christmas song. It brings back memories of pornographic versions of the song I used to perform for my family on the grand piano in the living room when I was in high school. These rewrites would usually get me cut off and I would leave the house to go hang at friend’s houses whose parents partied. My parents were pretty strict and religious (ultra boring) when I was growing up although they have totally loosened now, a different story. Here’s a drinking version of the song I lifted off of the internet:
A parody in the true spirit of Christmas… the alcoholic spirit, that is 
On the first day of Christmas the barman brought to me
A large Long Island iced tea
On the second day of Christmas the barman brought to me
Two margaritas
And a large Long Island iced tea
On the third day of Christmas the barman brought to me
Three vodka Red Bulls
Two margaritas.. hic!
And a larsh Long Island iced tea
On the fourth day of Christmas the barman brought to me
Four Tequila slammers
Free vokka rebbuls
Two margaritash
And a larsh Long Island Ishe Tea
On the fiff day of Chrishmas the barman brought to me
Five G and Ts
Four Tequila slammers
Three vodka bedruls
Two maggaritas
An a larsh lonilanishe Tea
On the Sicksh day of Chrishmas the barman brought to me
Six Harvey Wallbangers
Five G an’ Ts
Forty quila slammers
Three rodka vedbuls
Two maguerites
And Allah’s longilandicetea
On the seventh day of Chrishmas the barman brought to me
Seven gin martinis
Six Warvey Hallbangers
Five T and Gs
Four Tequila shlammers
Three vodka redbulls
Tomb aga ritas
An a large tong island ice lea
On the eighth day of Chrishmas the barman brought to me
Eight Bacardi breezers
Seven djinn martinis
Six Heavy bangers
Five Giant ‘E’s
Four Sequila Tammers
Vree todka redbulls
To mar guerillas
And a large long island ticed ea.
On the ninth day of Chrishmash the braman bought to me
Nine Black Russians
Eight Bacardi thingies
Seven mingatinis
Six wavy headbanges
Five Geeantees
Four Tacky slimmers
Free vodka redbulls
Two macaronis
An a large long island eyesh..HiC!
On zzhe tenf day of Chrishmash the barman brought to me
Ten pina coladas
Nine Rack blussians
Eight breecardi barzers
Seven gin tarminis
Six Harvey Ballwangers
Five G and Tease
Forty killer’s lambers
Bree rodka vedfulls
Two senoritas
An a long larsh island eyeshtee
Onalevenf dayachrish mush the barman broughtamee
‘Leven double visions
Ten pinka ladadas
Nine Rush Blackans
Eight Big mardi geezers
Seven gym art teenies
Six Warvy Hurlbangers
Five Geeunteesh
Four tuck eel us lamb us
Free rodkul vedpas
Two garmoritas
And an eye long large Iceland tea
Onna shwelf dayak rishmusha barman brought to me
Zhe bill…. thasha fur kurralorra money
Hopee tayksha shek forra:
Twenny pina coladas
Twennysheven black russkis
Furrytoo bacardi whatsish
Furryfife Grandma teenies
Furtyshix Heavy Wallbingers
Furtyfive Gin and Its
Turtythoo Sick iller tammers
Twenysheven Vodbul Redkas
Twenny garmartiras
And eleven long Island Iced Teas
Merry Chrishmush. HicThe major thing that hits me about Christmass is how depressed it makes everyone. I think it’s because it forces everybody to spend a day with family or lack thereof. Its the sadest time of the year for people that have no one. I spent quite a few Xmass holidays away from family in my wayward days although I could usually get an invite somewhere out of sympathy. The only Christmas I spent alone, I was snowed in, living in the mountains in a doublewide trailer, out in the Styx. I had a little tree with some tin foil and I popped popcorn to string as ornaments and drank about 12 beers, played Nintendo, smoked some weed and went to bed-day done-holiday over-must block it out, must concentrate on my purpose whatever that may be. I am still in that mode this year. I’ve had a few christmas blues last week but that was just silliness. Life is pretty good and I have a lot of Irons in the fire. Luckily I still have my folks in the area and that’s a blessing to spend Christmas with them.
Anyway, back to the topic of this blog…..
December’s Children:
That was an early Rolling Stones album and it had one of my favorites-Hey, You Get Off of My Cloud.
M. Jagger/K. Richards)
I live in an apartment on the 99th floor of my block
And I sit at home lookin out the window imagining the world has stopped
The in flies a guy who’s dressed up just like Union Jack
And says, I’ve won five pounds if I have his kind of detergent pack
Hey, you, get offa my cloud
Hey, you, get offa my cloud
Hey, you, get offa my cloud
Don’t hang around ’cause two’s a crowd on my cloud, baby
The telephone is ringing I say,”Hi, it’s me. Who is it there on the line?”
A voice says, “Hi, hello, how are you? Well, I guess I’m doin’ fine”
He says, “It’s 3 AM, there’s too much noise, don’t you people ever wanna go to
bed?
Just ’cause you feel so good, do you have to drive me out of my head?”
Chorus
I was sick and tired,fed up with this and decided to take a drive downtown
It was so very quiet and peaceful, there was nobody, not a soul around
I laid myself out, I was so tired, and I started to dream
In the mornin the parkin tickets were just like rags stuck on my windscreen.
Chorus
RepeatAlthough I think this song was written about being a drugged out derelict rock star living in the upper crust section of London, for me by title only its the ultimate theme song for strange birds like me that sometimes have to be somewhat aloof for fear of sharing themselves. I don’t know why that is; I’m still trying to figure it out. I am a fan of the Stones although I won’t always admit it. Even though people make fun of Keith Richards he is a great guitar player and a wizard with open tunings. Mick is kind of the weak point if you ask me but than again he does occasionally come up with some catchy lyrics. In a way he is very much of an enigmatic person, probably the ugliest man on the planet to get blown over a thousand times-hell even David Bowie, Grace Jones, and probably Grace Slick blew the guy. Not a great singer but he has a forceful delivery. In a way he’s tone deaf although supposedly he’s become quite a good guitar player in his Geriatric Rock Days. Still to see the guy still in those tight leather pants at 60 something can be a little more than just frightening.
Than again we are all getting old and I am faced with my own mortality. Right now I am fighting to get back off the cigarettes. I relapsed last June thinking I would only have a few but I began buying pacts of Drum Cigarettes and sitting by the window channeling my blues like some dark nihilistic French Existential philosopher, puffing unfiltered cigarettes. Well, I have realized through my new part time occupation doing snow removal late at night that I need to concentrate on my health, Cigarettes are a bane to a healthy existence. I have been having coughing fits like I am some turn of the century chimney sweep with some form of Tuberculosis. Those little fags will do it to you every time. Fag is the word for cigarettes although it also does encompass most of the European Music Scene and it is also a bundle of sticks. Moving right along….
Children of the Damned
Speaking of a bundle of sticks here’s an all time classic metal tune from the still prolific metalband Iron Maiden.
Children of the Damned by Steve Harris
(harris)
He’s walking like a small child
But watch his eyes burn you away
Black holes in his golden stare
God knows he wants to go home
Children of the damned
(repeat another 3 times)
He’s walking like a dead man
If he had lived he would have crucified us all
Now he’s standing on the last step
He thought oblivion well it beckons us all
Children of the damned
(repeat another 3 times)
Now it burns his hand hes turning to laugh
Smiles as the flame sears his flesh
Melting his face screaming in pain
Peeling the skin from his eyes
Watch him die according to plan
He’s dust on the ground what did we learn
You’re children of the damned
Your backs against the wall
You turn into the light
You’re burning in the night
You’re children of the damned
Like candles watch them burn
Burning in the light
You’ll burn again tonight
You’re children of the damned
The song itself is probably about war as Steve Harris is obsessed by the images of war. I think the title to this song is inspired by a classic B horror movie where the children wander around like zombies. Supposedly it is deeply allegorical and now considered by some to be an art film. The only time I watched the movie I fell asleep.
I remember going to see Iron Maiden when I was still in high school at the old McNichols Arena, I think I fell asleep at that too. I drank a bunch of hard alcohol and did some whippits, we had a case of whip cream my friend stole from the restaurant he worked at. I went in fire breathing drunk and fucked up and all I can remember to this day about the show is the ubiquitous Iron Maiden monster, Eddie, that towered over the stage. I have foggy recollections that the place erupted when they did the Number of the Beast and the bells and the spooky voices must have gone on for five minutes before the guitarists and bassist started the classically inspired opening the riff of the song.
Iron Maiden has also been one of the bands I secretly admire for years. The musicianship is top notch and the bass player is the finest in all of Heavy Metal, he practically invented the two finger gallop. I have to go on a solo car trip to bust out bands like Iron Maiden or the Rolling Stones, let alone some Kansas or Journey. It’s often even too embarrassing to play these bands while I am alone in my apartment. I need to be on the open highway with the windows closed and no one in sight when I can start singing along at American Idol volumes. I sometimes get misty during Lights by Journey and its pretty much in my range although the guy can hit notes like a castrated Italian boy singing the Alto or even Soprano lead to an opera .
All kidding aside, those titles are ruminations, meditations for the the holiday season although I don’t know how much they really have to do with my actual state of mind, they just were floating around just underneath my waking consciousness when they appeared on the screen of my computer this evening. Over all, Things are going to be interesting and a little happier this Xmass with the arrival of my new niece Hannah. She’s a happy baby born in Austin, Texas to my brother Scott (although his wife Susan actually gave birth.) I traveled done there for a whirlwind trip this Thanksgiving to see her and it was great to see the new Hector.
I feel sorry for her in a way having to grow up in Texas but Texas isn’t as bad as I thought it was while I was growing up-I used to have an anti-Texas prejudice. That has changed since I have been down there a half a dozen times since the millennium. The hill country is actually very scenic and if you can put up with the muggy heat and the bugs flying around all over the place its actually kind of a fun place. But who knows what the future may hold for Hannah, my brother is thinking of changing careers and she may end up growing up an Eskimo chick in Fairbanks, ALASKA. You never know….
Second thought about Texas, never go down there for an extended period of time without any marijuana. If you do than find a local bar that is friendly and make yourself comfortable, you’ll be there a lot. The place will envelope you, it will close in on you. It’s so giant that you realize that if you jumped in your car and headed for the border, you could drive all day and all night and still not be even close to being out of Texas. And than you might end up in Oklahoma which is even worse. The best thing to do is avoid the big cities like Houston and Dallas. Stick to the small towns in the hill country or more cultural areas like Austin or San Antonio. Your relatively safe although the Butthole Surfers and the Chainsaw Massacre people may be on the next farm over-probably the same one-smoking weed with Willie Nelson, Snoop Dog, TO, Mike Vanderjagt, and Andy Roddick-be careful!
There’s always the oil slick beaches on the gulf coast around Galveston and you can head down to Padre island and watch girls flash their breasts during the annual spring break puke-athon. The place is almost completely fed by Texas home grown breasts, there are a lot of colleges in Texas and other than high school football, college football and women’s breasts are like its own religion down there. My first introduction, initiation to it was at a Texas Longhorns tailgate party in Austin. The tailgate party, surrounds the stadium like an army of orange ass ants, a vast sea of orange beer bellies, mixed in with tight bodied coeds, tail gaiting outside the stadium in Austin. One year when I was down there visiting, I got drunk and joined right in and had some great barbecue and saw some Texas Titty. I was sitting there digging into some Brisket when a convertible drove by and I heard the female rebel yell, than some Texas women flashed there tits at the party I was standing at, as they drunkenly drove by,(maybe they had a DD?). I didn’t reveal my identity as a Yankee spy and I hooped and hollered and hoped to hell that the Longhorns would kick the crap out of them god damn Aggies. Its like hunting season though, you have to wear orange in Austin during the Longhorns games to see some Texas Titty and don’t reveal your true identity, develop a light accent that gets heavier as you get drunker.
At any rate, I have one thing to be supremely grateful for and that is I am not spending the holiday down in Texas. I need snow and tome barbecue parties are more for the summer. I’m quite sure the barrel smokers will be fired up for the Holiday down in Texas. Hearing someone say Merry Christmas with a Texas drawl might cause my whole sensory apparatus and sanity interface mechanism to short circuit, causing a brief period of total white light insanity. At that point I would need some weed to be able to try to reconcile myself with the fact that the only quick way out of Texas is by Aeroplane and it still takes a few hours for the plane to cross the nearest border.
Thank god for Colorado Amen…
Paul’s other personal notes and disclaimers
These days I am trying to put the weed and the beer aside for the most part. I have my moments of weakness but I must realize that life needs continuity. My main thing these days is getting rid of the cigarettes. That’s my main mission and so far its going very well indeed. Well, enough ramblings for one night and wherever you are, Vaya Con Dios or whatever it is you believe in-I haven’t figured that one out yet….
